Management by Bestseller

So we have this boss here at Electrons R Us …. He’s a super nice guy, and that’s usually the first thing someone says about him – but its usually in response to some frustration he’s caused another person. As if being a “super nice guy” absolves you from being borderline incompetent. And by “borderline” I mean he sits in the Land of Incompetence most days, and only occasionally ventures across the border to where the rest of live where we actually have to accomplish shit for a living in order to get paid. But he’s up several levels in management, so there you go. Dilbert Principle alive and well.

He really is a nice guy. I’ve worked for extremely competent assholes, and I have to say I prefer (to a certain extent) the kindler, gentler, less/uneffective alternative. But sometimes, I just want to strangle the guy and scream at him for failing to actually lead:  make difficult decisions and directly deal with issues that require confrontation.  Nice Guy has other quirks too, but today, I will share with you my favorite.

Nice Guy has a tendancy towards buzz words and catch phrases. Its so bad, I’m not sure if we forbid him from using them, he could actually speak. I have a running list on my black berry that I update every time I’m in a meeting with him, and I will share the current version with you now. Remember, all of these phrases have not been used just once – they have become legend in the company. In meetings, I like to keep a running tally of  how often each one is used. And last month, I swear to you, he talked for about 5 minutes at the end of a meeting, and dropped about a dozen of these. My boss and I were about to fall off our chairs we were trying not to laugh so hard.

Circle the wagons  (Yes, I am not kidding. This one gets used OFTEN. I think its a metaphor for the fact that we’re so busy circling wagons, we never make any progress. I suppose I could freaking him out by telling him he’s clearly racist against Native Americans?)

Pull the trigger

Lay it down/on the table

Cool  (You need to hear it in a hippy dippy kind of tone – except as if it were done by an engineer trying to be hippy)

Groovy (See above)

Under the radar

Macro / macro level

The Mission going forward  (omg, I just threw up a little. i wish I could self destruct myself out of the meeting when I hear this)

Handshaking (I always hear this and think : we’re gonna need ALOT of Purel)

Holistic (This is currently his favorite – last meeting – 13 times used. And I will note that he does use it correctly!)

Rocking and Rolling (See “cool” above)

Get some momentum (Momentum doesn’t get you shit when you’re just going in a circle, dude. I’m just saying.)

Blah blah blah blah (Yes, that’s literal. Its like “Yadda Yadda Yadda” from Seinfield but not as cool. Or as clever. I believe its used to cover up a short coming of actual knowledge of the information at hand.)

Blast through

Seance (This one is fairly new – perhaps in honor of halloween? He uses it in weird context too – as if we’re going to have ask dead people for help)

Shoot the shit

Grind through / Grind on (This one is one of my favorites – the first meeting he used it, he was on the third repeat and said we would have to “grind on this with Company X” and I turned to my other snarky engineering bud and said, “I’ve seen Him and His Employee with X. I’m not grinding on them.” and Snark said, “Yeah, especially without them buying lunch first.”)

Handholder /SuperHandholder (WTF? Super hand holder?)

Man (See “cool” above)

Dude (See “cool” above)

Coom Bi Yah  (Sigh)

(Drive) through the chute  (We circle wagons, we pull triggers, and we drive through chutes. Failed dream of being a cowboy??)

Keep cranking  (We crank AND we grind. I hope everyone got their shots and has latex handy!)

Oujoui board (Perhaps to help with the Seance? Also, dude – this is Mormon country. I’m not sure using this metaphor is actually helpful? Again, another one that makes me wonder voices he’s hearing on a regular basis)

Plans of attack

White Paper (This is an ongoing groaner – when ever NG recognizes he knows NOTHING about the task he’s been given, his first order of business is to find someone who DOES know and ask them to write a white paper so he can learn all about it. This has happened to me several times. I have yet to execute, choosing to follow the Beetlejuice Rule of Managing Managers)

Bulls eye

Bucket (Apparently he prefers to sort shit and responsibilities into buckets. OK. Acceptible metaphor. Just quit beating on  it so long you have to have a seance to get the bucket back.)

Train wreck (This started as a description of the environmental regulatory forecast – and he loves it. To the point where its becoming something he latches on to in a conversation because he actually *understands* it, unlike so many other things.)

Food for thought

Plan of Attack (we do lots of planning and very little attacking in our circle of wagons.)

Conceptual scope (Excuse me, I have to stop here - what the f$#%^ exactly is “conceptual scope.” Oh, that’s right – code for “I have no idea how to get started so lets lay out a conceptual scope for a plan of attack. ” Christ Almighty.)

Straw man (Yes, you are. Not unlike the character from Oz)

Ya’ll its so bad, I would make a drinking game out of it, but we don’t have glasses big enough to get us through a half hour meeting. So instead, I’ve built a spreadsheet that randomizes these phrases into a matrix resembling a bingo card. At some point in the not too distant future, I am going to print them out and pass them out, complete with a prize for the bingo winners.

Till then, here are a couple of photos (taken with my BB because I’m an idiot and forgot the real camera) from a trip I took recently to go look for fall foliage with Punkin and Kimmie, and my Cowboy (more on The Cowboy later). Oh, and I did a quick trip to Seattle (as in, I spent more time flying up and back than actually in the Emerald City) for my cousin’s wedding. It was beautiful, she was so happy, and I cried.

Yankee Meadows in Utah - potential camping spot of the future...

 

Cedar Breaks - no color left here, just 2ft of early season snow!

(Cedar Breaks was where we camped last July – This was taken in early October – it was a goreous day up there – about 36F and no breeze. The snow sparkled.)